Monday, 23 January 2017

30 Fun Alternative Facts for Alternative Thinkers.

1. Dogs can only hear James Brown, everything else is white noise.

2. 41.1% of the world's population have thousands of powerful nano-legs built into their skin so they can walk at incredibly slow speeds while entirely horizontal.

3. In 1871, a Scotsman named Pappalong McDurry broke the world record for sheep lamenting. He lamented 9 sheep in one sitting.

4. Lighting lemongrass incense in your bedroom will keep the goblins away.

5. It is physically impossible to talk to your father after that last argument at Christmas.

6. Only 10% of people can see the black smoke billowing from Piers Morgan's collar.

7. There's only one camel in all of Angola, and it doesn't even rep its hardcore scene anymore.

8. Aldi and Lidl went to the same college.

9. Before Douglas Hyde became president of Ireland, he was Jack the Ripper.

10. I have woken up masturbating at least twice.

11. If you hold a 20c coin up to the sun on its reverse side and close your left eye, you can clearly see C-3PO crying.

12. Climate Change is actually a really good band when you import the societal context in which their sound developed.

13. If you say "Flee now, enemies of Christ" while ordering Domino's Pizza on the phone, they'll give you money.

14. 'David Quinn' spelled backwards is 'Jack the Ripper'.

15. I once cut my knee open really badly when I fell off a scooter but I was really brave about it.

16. 97% of Irish teenagers don't know who Margret the Aztec is. Feel old yet?

17. Rain is God's tears when he thinks about all the innocent children he hasn't made suffer yet.

18. Ghosts don't wear clothes. Silly.

19. It's legal to scream into someone's toilet bowl in Sweden, but only if you are videotaping it.

20. You should definitely put that up on Bandcamp, man.

21. Sleep is a concept invented by the HSE to make sure no one is awake to see them burying the treasure.

22. If you stick a fork into an electrical socket, you'll see the angels.

23. Rob Zombie never graduated from Boner College.

24. Professional wrestling is ultimate reality.

25. Jayne Mansfield once successfully synthesized alcohol using her own underarm sweat.

26. The best selling record of 2010 was Granny Sideways' "I Eat The Flesh, I Worship At The Altar Of Beasts".

27. If a goblin can't match your command of the tin whistle, it must leave your home and promptly drown itself.

28. You can clearly hear Nina Persson sing the lyric 'I drank lots of tequila slammers/ now I'mma ride this bag of spanners' in The Cardigans' hit song "Lovefool".

29. Over 10 billion American dollars has been spent in the last three years on a mysterious project titled "Make Robocop Real 2k19".

30. People will think you're much smarter than you are if you are constantly cynical and vaguely hostile to others.

Wednesday, 23 November 2016

You Is The Good People, Them Is The Bad People. You Won't Believe Why.

Look at all this good people right here.

Why is the bad people always the bad peoples tho?

Why can't they be more like the good peoples?

The bad people needs to have more comprehensive self-awareness.

Not the good peoples tho, good peoples self-aware plenty already.

If the good peopol and the bads pepple alll had a big fight, the good people would win because
the bad peoplee shouldn't even be here. This is good people times now.

It's like they say in that new popular song, "Ging-gag Gooley", 'when the bad peoples come runnin/ the good peoples do good people good peoples/ Ging-gag gooley, ging-gag-gooley woo!'.

All the bad things is the bad peoples fault. Recent studies show that, in fact, 100% of bad ting comes from the bad peoples.


Good thing you're not a bad peoples tho. Phew! Good job!

Remember, next time a bad pople try to tell you that you aren't even a good peopl, make sure you give'em a big ol' bicycle kick.

And always remember, that bad people is the bad people, but you will always be that good people. good job, good people. bad bad people, bad self-awareness. self-awareness. self-awareness bad. wow.


Good thing you're not a bad peoples tho. Phew! Good job!

And isn't that  always the way?

Read again tomorrow to find out who is bads and 100 Reasons You're A Goods Person.

Thursday, 29 September 2016

An Essential List Of Crimes To Commit While The Guards Are On Strike

We've nurtured a strange relationship with the Gardai. Sometimes we sympathize with the high-risk and low-paying job they do every single day, tackling knife-wielding psychopaths to the ground to secure the same living wage as someone who's in charge of keeping the office printer stocked. But most of the time we deplore them for robbing hash and protecting greedy rich people from angry poor people.

The Gardai are finally going on strike to protest their woeful salary. There will be no guards on every Friday in the month of November. Nothing of this implication has happened since a collective Gardai sick day known as the "Blue Flu" in 1998.

Ireland is about to experience the kind of disorientation and subsequent self-examination that comes when the previously unattainable suddenly becomes attainable. What if there are no guards?

The biggest question you may have to ask yourself is, where will you be when the guards disappear? Will you lock yourself in until Saturday morning, quaking in the corner of your room and strangling the hilt of a kitchen knife. Or will you go among the animals, reveling in the lawless moonlight?

If you identify with the latter, but are too stupid to think of any good criminality to engage in, I've went and done you up a list.

1. Dress up as a guard and sexually bother every single bin in your town.

2. Eat a spice bag off the prescription counter of a chemists. 

3. Ride your bicycle on the N11 and squirt a bottle of toilet duck at the cars stuck in traffic.

4. Slap a stone idol of Marty Morrissey's forehead with the sole of your shoe.

5. Write a self-help book titled "How to Make Your Dreams Come True" that contains only the words
"True Aryan Black Metal" on each page. Sell it for €5 from your car window.

6. Drive one of those mad bin trains on the right-hand side of the road. Be sure that you've rode each bin before you put the pedal down.

7. Obtain paints and canvases and charge people for 10 minute portraits of themselves. Paint every person to look just a little bit like post-orgasm Vladimir Lenin.

8. Publicly and violently flagellate any local musician who has performed the song "Wagon Wheel" at the pub. Let tattered flesh caution their ilk. 

9. Disperse a Youth Defence rally while dressed as a completely fictitious child-eating goblin from Germanic folklore. 

10. Hop Bono's fence, knock on his door, and explain to him in great detail how he will never again have the fortitude of character to write music as good as he did for the Batman Forever soundtrack.

11. Apprehend that overconfident bully 12-year-old that lives on your street and put him inside a wicker man. 

12. Speak ill of the Church of Scientology. 

13. Collect all of the golden rings.

14. Employ one of the thousand forms of Nyarlathotep in a horrifying blood-offering to his father Azathoth.

15. See how many lemongrass scented incense sticks you can fit inside your arse. Remember, there are no guards to stop you.

16. Create the conditions for a Lord of the Flies type scenario on the island of Inishmore.

17. Forcibly occupy Primark until they bring back flared jeans for men. None of this "it's kinda flared" arse jargon. I mean FLARED. Like a large cat could fit through the leg of it.

18. Find the off-duty guards and drink bottles upon bottles of Benylin Drowsy with them.

19. Slap the absolute skin off the chap that slagged your "side fringe" at the Porterhouse in Bray. It's called an 'asymmetrical bob cut', you horrible, thoughtless savage.

20. Start a new wave band called Le Petite Mort and record at least one monster single that propels you to the mainstream and into the hearts of the public. Use your newfound fame and influence to groom your fandom into an army hell-bent on shitting all over Rónán Mullen's car.